The Adventures of Ani and Anna: Part II

Monday

5.00 PM Read up trivia on Anna’s favouritestestest band in the whole wide world, Mötörђëäď. They seem like a cool gig. Mötörђëäď vs. Boyzone-in-their-prime. Now that would be some contest. I didn’t tell anna I did the reading up. Will save it up for a special occasion. He will be sooo impressed!!!

5.05 PM Couldn’t control my excitement any longer, and confessed to anna how I had become a Mötörђëäď fAnAtIc, just like him!!! “Stick to your Cockzone and your Backstreet Cocks, and you’ll be fine, cockboy.” Our playful, oh-so-affectionate yet über-masculine needling has soared to new heights these days!

Tuesday

8.00 PM Warmed anna’s seat in the living room before the big game. When he smacked me on the head with an affectionate “Outta my fuckin’ seat, cockboy”, I knew it was just guy-speak for “You’re one of my mates now; it would mean a lot to me if you watched the big game with me, bro.” This guy-speak thingy is sooo manly!

9.00 PM Sat by anna’s side and pretended to be interested as he watched the big game. This Cristiano Ronaldo chappie has such nice legs.

11.00 PM Made mental note to stop making mental notes.

Wednesday

6.00 PM Anna’s arrival home is a full three hours away :(. Reminded myself of Dr. Phil’s sermon on patience being a virtue.

7.00 PM 2 hours…getting angsty.

7.01 PM Screwed Dr. Phil and his quack-advice. Put Annie Lennox’s Waiting in Vain on and sulked around.

8.00 PM Abruptly hit by brainwave. Went over to the department store to buy a can of Tiger beer and a testicle-scratcher. Lusting attendant gave me ‘the look’ reserved for manly men like anna and me. No wonder she-men like Kaka are still virgins.

8.15 PM Poured the horsepiss out of the beer can and filled it to the brim with delicious gingerade. Took up my position in the living room with the remote, the beer can and the scratcher within reach. The trap is set.

9.00 PM Heard the door knob turning, and swiftly switched the channel to ESPN. As anna walked in, I vigorously scratch my balls with the scratcher and chugged my ‘beer’ (hehe) as I pretended to be absorbed in the sports-crapola on the tele. Although Anna barely looked up from his magazine (May edition of Sports, Cars and Naked Chicks, if you must know), I could tell he was keenly observing me from the corner of his manly eye.

9.30 PM Felt bad about how I behaved earlier. Worried if my clever ruse might make anna think I have become manlier than him. Made mental post-it (hehe, I cheated) to reassure anna later that his Y-chromosome is the bestest Y-Chromosome in the whole, wide world.

Thursday

9.00 PM Anna and Kaka have gone out drinking without inviting me, for the fourth week in succession. Wonder if tonight’s the night anna is going to break the news to Kaka that he’s found a new bestest friend and that he doesn’t fancy his company anymore.

2.00 AM Anna came in a while ago, accompanied by some Fugly French Bitch. I know anna would have much rather guy-bonded with me, but fugly bitch insisted on dragging him up the stairs to his room, all the way playing tonsil-tennis in his manly mouth.

2.15 AM I’m not thinking of what anna and fugly bitch might be doing in his room. And I don’t care.

5.15 AM I’m still not thinking of what anna and fugly bitch might be doing in his room. And I still don’t care. I don’t feel threatened by fugly bitch. Not one bit.

Friday

11.00 PM Left for Clarke Quay to look for white people.

11.45 PM Tried to bring bottled water, free healthcare and indie music into a conversation with a couple of Swedish blokes. They didn’t seem to care. The chap who writes stuffwhitepeoplelike is a liar.

2.30 AM The white people around here are sooo not friendly to me. Heading home. :(

Saturday

11.00 PM Left for Clarke Quay to look for white people.

11.30 PM Recognized fugly bitch from a distance sitting at a bar with 3 of her (equally fugly) girlfriends. She seemed to recognize me too. There was a lot of pointing and sniggering in my direction. My face reddened at the recollection of how anna had introduced me to fugly bitch the time I accidentally-on-purpose bumped into them at the mall: “The cocksucker who splits rent.”

11.32 PM Wept my heart out into the Singapore river. Those mean, fugly girls have no idea how much teasing can hurt.

11.45 PM All cried out now. Came to the realization that I actually PITY fugly bitch. She simply has nooo inkling that the ‘bros b4 hoes’ philosophy-of-living was invented by my anna. If only the poor woman knew that if I had, say, a pedicure-emergency, my anna would drop her like a lead balloon and be by my side like *that*.

2.30 AM The white people around here are sooo not friendly to me. Heading home. :(

Sunday

7.00 PM Hasn’t been an altogether memorable week. Feeling kind of depressed. Nip/tuck reruns aren’t working their usual magic. :(

8.00 PM Made impulse decision to start growing my facial hair. Although I know that I can’t hope to cultivate in a million years the sort of flowing man-beard my anna can sprout in a day. :(